=20 =20

Merry Christmas

Thanks to everyone who has sent Season's Greetings =96 so = many that I can't reply to everyone personally.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday!

ADINJC Newsletter

And the weather...

Here in Ireland it's rare for roads to be gritted or salted, = even the main roads, and so we have to learn 'ice driving'.

These are a few pictures taken on local roads on = Christmas Eve.

3D"Snow"

3D""

This one is where I ran off the road, despite having a = 4x4! (but going too fast at 20 mph!)

3D""

The road surface is just compacted ice... as shown above and = the shiny bits below!

3D""

This guy wasn't so lucky when he ran off this main road - = although you can see the white line in the centre, it's under about three = centimetres of ice! During my round trip to the Post Office last Wednesday = (120 miles) I saw 12 cars off the road...

3D"Snow"

This is the road where i live - taken at 10 am Christmas Day.

3D""

And finally, my front garden...

Worst Christmas jokes ever

A new survey set out to find the nation's worst Christmas = cracker joke.

And the winner was: What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep = pan, crisp and even!

University of Sheffield's Professor of Linguistics Professor = Andrew Linn commented: "The essence of a fine joke is clever and original = use of language, often exploiting some sort of ambiguity.

"This joke has been voted the worst Christmas cracker joke = because it is almost too clever. It uses ambiguity in how the words are = put together (deep (p)an') as well as contextual ambiguity (pizzas and a = Christmas carol). In short, once you get it, it's a real groaner!"

But even though the gag was voted worst overall, it divided the = nation with many voting it their favourite.

More than 200 people picked their worst and favourite cracker = jokes from a list of 50 in the poll for Nuts magazine.

Nuts jokes editor Adam Ralph said: "The gags in crackers are = normally so bad that everyone laughs at the stupidity of them. That's what = brings everyone together and it would almost be a shame if manufactures = tried to make them too clever."

The Top 10 worst Christmas cracker jokes were:

1) What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp = and even

2) On which side do chickens have most feathers? On the = outside

3) What kind of paper likes music? (W)rapping paper

4) What's white and goes up? A confused snowflake

5) What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts? = Annette

6) Did you hear about the man who bought a paper shop? It blew = away.

7) What's furry and minty? A polo bear

8) How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle

9) Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? A mince spy!

10) What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert? Lost

=20

Christmas ... So where did 2009 go then?

= Dear Richard,

I know that = I said I would be having a rest, and that there=20 would be no news from SmartDriving over Christmas, but I'm laid up with = the 'flu=20 and am zombified with anti-biotics and other drugs so I need something to = take=20 my mind of it all . With that in mind, sending you this Christmas 'rant' = from=20 Richard (shown right) is just the job!

For those who have never read Richard's stuff I've = re-upped his archive for Christmas. Click here for a menu

Richard' Christmas Rant - random outpourings = from a crazed ADI!

I'm at a loss, the year seems to have flown by, maybe it's = because I've been so busy fire fighting just to keep the business ticking = over.=20 I'm not alone...

Judging by conversations with colleagues, 2009 has not been a = good year for many instructors In my area several very experienced = Instructors have told their pupils to "turn the engine off" for the last = time as the market conditions became too harsh for them.

More still have gone part-time, along with the continuing influx of new = blood into the Industry that is watering down the market.

Others have turned to desperation tactics, one school in my = area is offering the "First Ten Lessons For =A380", with petrol prices as = they are that just about breaks even and adds nothing to the income column = of the ledger.

And through it all out TV sets carry adverts from training companies = (no names in case we end up with red faces) that promise riches beyond = belief for driving instructors.

Yes... If you are the right kind of person (everyone!) you might just = like you make that traditional New Year Resolution and find yourself a = new job with flexible hours (just a bit more flexible than they let on) a = nice new car (at a price) and an income of =A330K (now how many hours is = that at =A38 per hour?).

Many of us will be cringing in front of our television sets (if you can = still afford a telly) for another Christmas as these 'become a millionaire = driving instructor' advertisements grace our screens...

The DSA have had an interesting year as well.

3D"DSA" Now is = that a chorus of angels singing I hear? Or the sound of Santa's elf's at = work? Or the jingle of reindeer bells?

I think not! It's the slow relentless grind of the wheels of = the DSA moving forwards into the year of 1980. Yes, you read that right = 1980.

Millions of pounds and a major Consultation project and what do = we get? The independent drive and less reversing.

At least the back seat instructors issue with all its related = problems was resolved; although the rumours as to why the DSA back tracked = do little to suggest that they had put much thought into the proposal in = the first place. Driving instructor associations seem to believe that it = was the 'killer negotiation blow' of "Can we eat sandwiches in the = back?" that caused the U turn, but I suspect it had more to do with = the Fiat 500 and other toy cars (I wonder why the DSA don't tend to listen = to ADI's?).

My career has been punctuated by THE test centre conversation (I = say 'THE' because it's been the same conversation for years!) =96 = recently, one innocent newby (just got his green badge) was fanfaring new = proposals for change; I had to point out that similar proposals and = discussions had been had been about for most of the twenty seven years = that I had been in Industry.

But nonetheless it is good to see something actually = happen. But where were the proposals for compulsory motorway training ? = For the strengthening of Pass Plus? For compulsory dual controls for = Driving Test vehicles? For limitations for new drivers? What happened to = Log Books? What happened to proof of training before a test?Or = anything else that might save a few bloody lives?

I think I shall be long gone before that little lot is sorted. = And modern driver training techniques? Forget it.

Don't get me wrong, I wish John Farlam, Sir John Whitmore = et-al the very best of luck in their quest to change the industry (with = the resultant better deal for instructors) but I think that they are = taking on an incredibly tough job.

By the time most SEADI's catch on to modern thinking I'll = be in my grave. If we wait for the DSA to actually act, the demise of the = motor car will probably come first!

3D"Rubbish" And of = course the DSA do not give us any explanations as to why certain ideas in = their original document were consigned to the rubbish bin; indeed were = they discarded? Or did they just forget?

One can only hope that whatever colour Government returned in the = Spring of 2010, the new Transport Minister rips the DSA apart and creates = a Management structure with real leadership that allows it to make = decisions and respond to the needs of modern drivers and road conditions = quickly.

But hang on =96 didn't I make that wish five years ago? = Oh well!

It is sad that the DSA has spent so much money on consultants = while consultation with the Industry seems to be an afterthought. Even = the changes that have been proposed do not really address the driving = issues that we see each day as we travel around, leaving ADI's to explain = to pupils that they might find it safer to do one thing while other = motorists do something completely different. At least the DSA finally = stating that they do not require pull-push steering is a start =96 but = when will we get a driving test that tests real world driving and thinking = skills?

3D"Tour" Of course, = I'm looking forward to teaching the independent driving bit, I foresee = many 'Magical Mystery Tours' around South Yorkshire =96 extreme I know, = but it's surprising just how many people don't even know their way home = let alone a popular land mark or place within their home town. If I = remember rightly it has something to do with the clutch pedal, which seems = to prevent the brain from exercising rational thinking under certain = conditions.

Change is overdue, and perhaps I'm too old =96 After a test = centre chat with some of my mates at BSM I started wondering if, for some, = the grass on the franchise side of the fence might be greener. The jury = 3D"Fiat" is out on = that, but one thing is for sure, it's certainly not created for a six foot = tall bloke. (Not sure if the picture on the right is the real thing or a = toy, but then it's hard to tell, even when you see a real one!)

How can you spot a BSM ADI? he's the one with the crook in his = back. I thought my mate was just checking out my shoes when he was = telling me about the extra four miles a gallon he was getting =96 I was = wrong.

And did you hear that bus drivers thought BSM had stopped = operating as they had not seen a car for sometime. We're only joking (of = course!)

It's not all gloom!

3D"Sunny" Don't = get me wrong I'm working hard to get myself into the festive spirit, after = all, we're all entitled to one knees up per year aren't we?

But first we have to endure all that irrational thinking by = shoppers that dictates that they must all arrive at the shopping centres = at the same time, push each other around all day, and then leave at the = same time. Is this due to some sort of genetic throwback that links = us to 'lemmings'?

Even my own significant person, (so significant that she makes = absolutely all decisions) suddenly looks up at 11:00am on a Saturday and = says "let's go into town" =96 not a chance, at that time a ten minute trip = takes an hour to complete =96 and that's before you try to park the car!

Of course some of you might be thinking "shopping, what's he talking = about? I'll be working" =96 For those instructors who are on the road at = this time of year one of the fun Festive games for ADI's is 'spot = the once a year driver'.

The 'once a year driver' opens the garage doors just as the holly = berries are ripening, and the first Christmas adverts for Coca Cola appear = on television. This is the only time of the year that those garage doors = are opened, other than for 'the service' or 'MOT'.

How can we tell? Well they have that nervous look about them, = normally their face is a shade of white reserved only for death, with = starring eyes, their hands grip the steering wheel so tightly the fingers = turn as white as their faces =96 because they are afraid of falling out of = the car should they let go.

You can often find them stuck in the middle lane of a roundabout, = going round and around, missing the exit they want several times, before = closing their eyes and just going for it and the dead give away (pun = intended) is that, when all the other drivers hoot and shout abuse at = them, instead of the usual return gesture they shrink into the seat hoping = that no one will see or recognise them.

Surreal...

Now here's a sign of the times; was I dreaming or was I actually = chasing a motorised Cadbury's Easter Egg, festooned in Christmas = decorations along the by-pass the other day? A very surreal experience = that. Perhaps it's time to stop drinking the herbal tea.

Recession

The recession has brought some benefits to this year's = festivities, there seem to be fewer of those dreadful inflatable Santa's, = Angels, Snowman, Reindeer, Penguins, or even complete nativity scenes.

I can tell you from experience that there is something very = frightening, and almost as surreal as a Christmas Easter Egg on wheels, = about being overtaken by Father Christmas on a sleigh at 30 mph and then = seeing him explode and deflate in a second; luckily my kids are grown up, = but could you imagine the lifelong trauma and endless therapy sessions if = there had been young kids in my car as I witnessed the death of Santa? =

3D"Banker" Christmas = is full of opportunities... Have you seen that there is a game out there = which is selling very well called "Whack The Banker" it's dead simple to = play, armed with a mallet the player has to bash as many Bankers on the = head that they can within thirty seconds... I think I'm close to holding = the record, over one hundred, and I still had a sense of failure when I = finished!

(Try = this game)

Christmas is full of inventive thinking when it comes to lesson = cancellations... There's something about being told about the sudden death = of the fifth Granny and at Christmas, which brings tears to your eyes, for = no other reason than that you're allowing the pupil to actually think you = are swallowing the story hook line and sinker. Then there was the girl who = was too traumatised to drive after Santa (apparently) overtook her = friend's car and then exploded!

Christmas is full of music... How has it come to pass that = Slade is considered a traditional Christmas song which, according to the = adverts, "we all love". Let's face it, in all honesty by the hundredth = playing we are all sick of it!!

Long standing SmartDriving Members might know that I have a = parallel life as part of The Rawmarsh = Mashers, that well known and much loved duo of my parish. We often = get asked to sing Slade and all those other songs at this time of the = year. Humbug! We don't do Christmas Songs, but shock horror we discovered = that we do sing just one song that mentions Christmas, "Buster The Cat" by = Rob Johnson, which starts, "He just turned up one Christmas with his fleas = and ginger fir". And now everyone asks for that. Total madness! We've = not recorded it so tough, you can't hear it.

And...

3D"2009" So I leave = you to contemplate the madness of the season, the DSA, the Nations = economy, our Banking system, and an exciting 2010 that lies ahead =96 yes = it's George's Cross time again (watch your paint work) with the World Cup = coming up =96 a General Election which if the Opinion Polls are to be = believed means we need not vote as yet another lot of grey suits with not = one iota of original thought amongst them replace the old lot =96 and I = suspect more hand wringing over global warming, floods, the economy, = bankers bonuses, driver safety with little than words to help us the folks = in the real world through.

But hey, watch out, I might just get around to writing more Rants = in 2010=85 then again my phone might not stop ringing, my diary might be = full, or more likely I've been put in a straight jacket and taken away to = some padded room.

But hark, I think I hear the festive tones of the bailiff = a knocking, so wherever I might be in 2010, may your 2010 be full of = nothing but joy and prosperity.

Contact Richard at: richardmillard@jmucreate.com